If You Speak It, They Will Listen.

As an adult I look back at my elementary days and I often wish there were things that I could change. I never realized that I was a bully until the 7^th or 8th grade. I’m not sure why I did the things that I did to some. It’s not something that I am proud of but I am proud of the efforts that I took to mend those relationships as an adult. I’m not an only child, I had friends,  and I had attention. I honestly just think that I had a bit of hatred, meanness or anger within me.  Whatever it may be I acknowledged years ago that it was wrong. When I became a mother things definitely took a different turn. I never wanted either of my princes to be bullied or to bully others. I begin to instill in them the importance of taking up for themselves without causing harm to others; verbally or physically. However, I also told them sometimes you may have to fight back just to let others know that you will not tolerate being a target. I remember in high school I was approached by a female; a fellow classmate about a guy. It was funny at first because little did she know the guy was related to me. Not only that I knew for a fact that I wasn’t the person that she should be worried about. I was a little shocked no one had ever approached me. Let alone spoke to me the way that she did and I wanted to lash out but I knew that I wanted to change from the person that I was. I no longer wanted to claim ignorance. I know longer wanted to draw unnecessary attention to myself for sake of a label, title or reputation. I now know that nothing or none on this Earth can place me in heaven or hell. It's beyond that. I cannot even tell you what she said to me, to this day I don’t remember. Within seconds her voice became distant. I had completely tuned her out and tuned my heart in. I thought, so this is what it feels like. I was overcome with sorrow.  I thought about all of the people that I had said mean things to. All the times that I lashed out at another for no reason. All the times that I waved the red flag of ignorance. A tear fell and then more. My emotions were no longer mine. They were of all the people that I had inflicted pain on. I was no longer concerned about what she or anyone else felt about me. It was no longer about me. It never was. I went home and prayed for forgiveness for myself and for her. She was young, we were young and clearly she did not know what she was doing. Afterwards, I felt free. That night I vowed to make, or at least attempt to make my wrongs right. Now thinking, I should reach out to her and to thank her for that.  I begin reaching out to people to apologize. I was able to reach them all except one. In 2009 I found her on social media. I was so excited just to locate her and to be able to apologize. Then the most beautiful thing happened -she forgave me and said that she never held any hard feelings. The pain that we may think others harbor often isn’t there or it mends with time, growth and maturity. There’s just no way of knowing unless we communicate. Outreach.